So I'm thinking it that if I can redefine my single-parent household as a 'marriage', then that will reduce the hurt we feel. All I really need is to be legally recognized as both a mother and a father. Can anyone really deny me that right? 2. My kids are missing out The Father's Day celebrations at school are quite difficult for us. It's economically out of the question to insist that Father's Day (or Mother's Day) is entirely removed from our culture, but it might be doable to allow me to actually become the 'father' of my children, so they don't miss out. I would turn up to school in either a man's suit or a woman's dress - depending on how I feel on the day - and the other dads would have to acknowledge me as one of the boys. It might be a little awkward for them, but it wouldn't be for me, not once my legal status as father is recognized. I'm sure it won't take long for them to become comfortable with this new biological unreality. 3. The public toilet Speaking of awkward, this is a good time to bring up the toilet debate. Now that our sense of privacy has been completely obliterated, and our most intimate functions are laid out for the entire world to discuss - surely, I can insist on the right to use the men's bathroom? And if those bathrooms aren't replete with feminine hygiene disposal, well, all I can say is: I feel a passive income opportunity on its way in the form of litigation. Call it diversifying, if you will. Lawsuits will only work one way though - if I walk up to an unsuspecting man and give him a friendly hug, he won't be able to sue for sexual harassment, since I'll legally be a dad, just like him. 4. The birth certificate Same-sex marriage proponents tell me that children have no need to know their biological ancestry. This is despite many studies and evidence to the contrary. I should be able to have one name removed, and mine inscribed as mother AND father. (It will be pencilled in, just in case I decide to choose a different gender next year. There doesn't yet seem to be one for 'biological mother who identifies as a father for disciplinary and home-maintenance purposes.' ) Daddy will still pay the child-support, of course - we can't let him get away with shirking his responsibilities. But striking out an ex-spouse's name is the perfect antidote to abandonment or adultery. 5. #Love wins Love wins. It's the hashtag that launched a thousand lawsuits. Isn't 'love' is the prerequisite for my sole-parent 'marriage'? I admit, it IS a little hard to come up with a utilitarian argument for loving oneself, but I take comfort that I can fall back on the Bible for this one. After all, my confreres regularly rely on Scripture - when it is convenient for them. For example, this graphic below apparently proves that the definition of marriage evolves. (It uses Old Testament quotes, of course - Levitical texts that no Christian professes to live by, but who care as long as it seems to prove a point.) I'm made in the image of God, and He loves me as I am, therefore I love myself, therefore my single status is a marriage. Whew. Easy-peasy. Logic is so simple in the 21st century when our minds don't need to be taxed by the exercise of actual rational thought. So that's it in a nutshell: let's redefine marriage to include single parents, and I'll stop complaining and just let you get on with your lives. It won't hurt anyone else, so you can stop judging me. And I promise not to sue when I won't bake myself a cake.
